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Let's take a random day in the old Keely's life. A day where she would hang out with friends, not speak up, be mopey, depressed. A day where the boys would walk past her and not even blink. They'd make certain to stop and talk to the "other" girl. Classic. I reminice back to the days of high school. The days where I lived my life through my friends. I was always so happy for them when they had a new boyfriend/girlfriend. Eventhough I died inside. Happy they had prom dates. Happy they had a date that weekend. I grew into myself as the years went by. I knew what I wanted to look like. I have no excuse. I didn't work out. I ate terribly. I cried all the time. I was alone. I had amazing friends. Yet always just friends. I met certain people that truly affeted my life in a positive manner. Friends I still have to this day. It worked out I always had a majority of male friends. I believe it came with the territory of the music genre I fell into. Not a lot of metal head/spooky girls around that "Got" that part of me. There are some and trust me their friendship is cherished. My point is I was miserable, and suffered for being myself. It's a classic case of the cute guy never likes the fat chick. Very few "cute" guys even gave me the time of day. It takes a toll on a girl after awhile. Then I met my ex husband...this story I will not go into. If you are reading this you know me, and more than likely know the story. I took the old depressed Keely and changed into the new and improved Keely. The Keely that stopped wearing black, stopped going to concerts, and stopped being true to herself. After my marriage ended. I began to pick up the pieces and put myself back together again. This sounds like an easy process. It's not. Seven years of forgetting what you are about is a lot to put back together. I had moved out of NY. I had a new life, with new friends. These people knew me as who I am now..today. They hear the stories but werent there. They don't know faces. They do know though that something brought them into my life and kept them there as my friends. Apparently I've done something right to have such great people here. A few months after my seperation I got a new tattoo. My first tattoo in nine years. Those of you that appreciate the art of tattoos, and meaning behind the pieces of art that adorn ones body will understand when I say...New chapter in my life means new ink.
Onto the Keely of today...broken...shattered...and stitched back together. I find that I am still a fat chick, but with a new attitude. The weight will come off in time. The smoking will stop in time. All goals that will be met. My main goal as of late is to truly believe in myself. After the past 10 years of being evicted twice, losing my job, my car, my mom to the virgin islands, my brother to new orleans, sleeping on a friends floor, moving literally over 10 times, and finally landing in NC leaving my ex husband and finally living a life for myself its a bit of a task to believe in one self completely...This is the short version...
I've concluded that even with a repetitive cliche all things happen for a reason, and whats meant to be is meant to be spitting out of my mouth daily it still takes a bit more than a sentence to smile truthfully. I've come a long way. I started this blog with health issues that needed to be addressed. Now I'm onto the whole being of myself. Stop reading now if you think this is a pity trip or a cry for help. It's not it's just a verbal trip into my thoughts. Read on if you so please or click the back button. It's not like I'd know...lol.
Yesterday my temp job ended. Another temp job...this is not what I want for employment. With the economy in a drastic state of "Blah" it's not the easiest task finding a perment job in the fields i'm qualified for. I'm stuck between a world of retail or clerical madness. The desk jobs pays more and have better hours, and yet the "creative" jobs pay less and have shitty hours..So lets do the math...It's not where I want to be. I've ponded the thought of going back to school for Make-up FX, it's still a possibility. Thats a dream that will never die. However for now I need to focus on a roof over my head and a car on the road. So my job hunting continues and I'm keep the firm attitude that something will give and another opportunity will arise soon enough. All I can do is try.
As for the depressed Keely ya about that..I'm only human. The past few months..totally cried into Alice Cooper eyes...This past week alone has had my head spinning. However I will say this over the last two months I have met some of the most amazing people in my life. I have three new friends from this recent temp job, Melanie, Katie, and Rebecca, all of whom took me into their lives with my mindless rambles, quick jokes, and the dancing at the Breakfast Club. Those three girls mean a lot to me, and yes all things do happen for a reason. I could have stayed home and collected more money on unemployment than I made at this last job, but I refused to sit home on my ass I wanted to work. I'm glad I did. =)
So old and new friends truly are what has kept me glued together. As well as my very open minded and understading FAMILY! Without these people I would've died. It took me 2 years to finally look in the mirror and know who I am. I'm Keely. I'm bubbly, funny, kind, goofy, spooky, silly, sensitive, paranoid, and dramatic. It took a lot of life lessons to have me finally put a stop to mindless thinking. We all make mistakes. We all get hurt. We all grow and learn from it. I've made many mistakes, with life, men, money, and just simply in general. In the end I have a new found appreciation for who I am. I'll never be perfect, I'll always be a chubby girl. I'm fine with that. I'm proud of my imperfections it makes one unique. I've been told recently that I'm NOT shy..this makes me laugh. How can I NOT be shy? Apparently I'm a LOT more outgoing and fun than I used to be..I still find this hard to believe, but the words came from a friend I've had for 31 years...So I'm thinking they must be true..lol. I'm truly in a class by myself, take that as you will. Maybe it does sound conceded. It should..I'm due.
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I hold onto many broken pieces that still need mending. It's life. Patience is one major issue I'm presently working on. Patience is truly what will keep me together. I need to breathe a lil more and relax. Stop panic attacking over every little thing. I've blamed a lot of my disfunction on the lies that have taken a toll on my emotions. Lies truly can make one think they are broken and blame themself. I'm still working out these kinks. Recently I was lied to by a married man for two months he led me on. It makes me wonder why humans are so cruel, and why these things happen to good people? However I can't allow this to consume me. I have wonderful true people in my life, and I'm grateful for them picking me up when things such as this knock me down. =)
All in all I believe it was good for me to type this. Every little step in the right direction is helpful. I can't hide my words forever. Hiding has been the majority of my life. Being afraid. In the wise words of courage wolf, You never stand taller then when you stand up for yourself. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and I'm trying to look at it as a new adventure. I have new beginings to look forward to. I'm lucky, very lucky. There will be days I'm throwing things around my room trying to not knock over my horror collection in the process. There will be days I think the world sucks, and I hate it! However these days pass, and it will get better. We are all only human. Life happens.
I'll end this with one of my favortist songs...If you don't know it..you should...
Live before you die~Social Distortion
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When pressures up and the stress is high
And I wanna bid this world good bye
I’m gonna bury my frustrations
Grab some of life’s satisfactions
Yeah I’m gonna live before I die
I try to find some peace of mind
When my life’s treating me unkind yeah
Pain will be my motivation
I’m gonna use my imagination
Yeah I’m gonna live before I die
Chorus:
So close your eyes and embrace your memories, your memories
Leave your troubles and your worries far behind, so far behind
Stop contemplating and start celebrating
Yeah you gotta live before you die
I think of chances I didn’t take
I try to learn from my mistakes, yeah
I’m tired of being pushed around now
Life ain’t gonna drag me down now
Yeah, I’m gonna live before I die
Chorus:
So close your eyes and embrace your memories, your memories
Leave your troubles and your worries far behind, so far behind
Stop contemplating and start celebrating
Yeah you gotta live before you die
Before you die, before you die
One more thing....Thank you to those that "Get it" and "understand" Keely. She's amazing... =)
I will always *DANCE LIKE SNOOPY*
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